How Music Helped Me Through Bullying

mental health

For many years during my time at primary and secondary school I was bullied by lots of different groups of people. The bullying however got a lot worse when I entered second school. At secondary school it didn’t even start on the first day but on my induction day. I was so upset and scared I didn’t want to go to that school in September, I remember coming home in floods of tears just crying on the sofa.

For a while in my first couple of years at secondary school I thought the people in the group I hangout out with were my friends. Turned out I was only in their group so they could pick on me. To begin with I didn’t see it as bullying I just wanted to fit in but then it got a lot worse. They would bully me for many reasons for example being disabled, not wearing fashionable clothes and having curly hair they would throw drinks at me and in my hair at break and at at lunch.

The bullying started to escalate with older and young years bullying me too hitting and punching me. Other people in my year would laugh at me during class I got told several times to kill myself.

The bullying I was experiencing made me feel very sducidal I just wanted the pain to stop. When I tried to tell teachers what was going on they would dismiss it telling me to except it or to feel sorry for the people bullying me.

Over time I started to retreat into myself not wanting to be with anyone or socialise I spent a lot of time in my room as I felt safe in my bedroom when I went out I thought everyone was looking, talking and laughing at me.

I found it extremely difficult to express how I was feeling and what was going on to my parents. And that’s when I found out that when I listened to my music the lyrics would just speak to me and I felt that I wasn’t alone in how I felt. I found that music could express how I was feeling to the outside world as I found it super difficult to try and express my thoughts and feelings to the outside world. I found that music also helped me to keep going as a lot of the time when I came back from school I would be crying sometimes I cried myself to sleep wishing I wouldn’t wake up.

I liked listening to music as it helped me to try and make sense of all the thoughts in my head that would race around in my head at 100 miles an hour. I found it extremely difficult and confusing to try and think why people treated me the way I did for along time at school. Because I had been bullied for a long time before I started secondary school I thought of it as a new start so when I was getting bullied more and more at secondary school I started to think their was something wrong with me. And that I deserved to be treated the way I did because I started to believe I was a bad person and that everyone’s lives would be better if I wasn’t here.

Listening to music helped me a lot in not feeling alone and that maybe others felt similar to me as lots of people made me feel like I was a freak. I also found that music helped me to face the upcoming days going to school as sometimes a certain lyric made me feel empowered and that maybe I could get through the day a little bit better.

I remember at the time my favourite band JLS helped me massively, I felt I could relate to them as I found out that one of them had experienced bullying and another member of the group was a young career helping to look after his mum during his childhood. As my sister was a young career for me.

I still love listening to music now but throughout my difficult time at school music played a big part in trying to just get through one day at a time feeling that others interpreted the songs lyrics in a similar way to me! The bullying still affects me to this day as I was diagnosed with PTSD because of the bullying that happened to me.

My Achievements With Macintyre Charity 2016-2019

disability

This week I finished my 3 year journey with Macintyre. And what a 3 years t’s been! I have achieved things that used to make me feel extremely anxious and scared. But now I am able to do things around and about my community with more confidence.

I thought I would share with you some of my top achievements I have made through my time with Macintyre as a student in one of their life centres working on building my independent living skills.

My First Year

In my first year at Macintyre I was very shy and quite. I didn’t really like talking much. I found shopping really difficult and it took me a while to even get out of the car when shopping at the supermarket because I was so anxious and thought others were talking about me. After a while I had a go at walking to the shop entrance and waiting there for a bit. I worked with my support workers on something called Lego therapy, this is when you choose a lego brick colour that best represents a emotion. For example yellow was my happy colour and green my safe were as black represented the emotion scared. This was a great way to show others how I was feeling when I couldn’t express my emotions verbally or when my thoughts are going round in my head at 100 miles an hour.

I then started to use my lego therapy to help me in public places that make makes me feel stressed. I would go into the supermarket and just look at my green circle whilst going around the supermarket. We then started to shop at ASDA and before I knew it I was finding things we needed and paying at the till. When I felt anxious I would look at all the green posters etc around the supermarket not worrying about if everyone was talking, looking or laughing at me.

Towards the end of the first year I worked on trying to get on the bus. I was so scared about going on the bus I couldn’t make it even out of the grounds for a while. But over time I did manage to get to the bus stop and stop the bus. I went on a small bus journey to the nearest street and built it up from that. I then started to learn about how to stop the bus when you reached where you wanted to go.

My Second Year

At the start of my second year I came up with my own social enterprise project called Bryony’s Positive Enterprise. I made little gifts and cooked some things to sell. I made my own granola pots, pasta salad pots, cookie in a jar, hot chocolate stirrers, bracelets and key rings. I came up with my own ideas of what I wanted to make using Pinterest for ideas. For my project I learnt a lot about money management as I had to find and work out my costs and then how much I would sell my makes for making sure I made a little bit of profit as they profit helped pay for my next make and money towards my end of term treat.

I worked on cooking a meal I could take home with for my family and I to have. One term we did mains and the next desserts. I would find a recipe of what I wanted to make then I would make a list of all the ingredients needed. I then searched the prices of each item on the supermarkets websites. I wrote down each items price then added it all up to workout my total. I would then go to the kitchen to see if we already had ingredients we needed for the recipe. Making reductions to my shopping list seeing how much I would spend on each meal. I took the bus into town did my shopping at the supermarket and learnt how to use the self checkout. I had to make everything from scratch so I couldn’t buy things such as ready made pastry or sauces. when going into town to buy my ingredients I was able to get on the bus without feeling so terrified and I even caught the bus back from the noisy bus station which I found hard because it was so busy and noisy.

During my second year I did a lot of work on domestic skills. I did some washing, ironing of clothes and bed sheets, pairing socks and bed making.

Whilst in my second year I was trying to find work experience. So I did a lot of work on CV writing. I did do a morning volunteering at a Cancer Research Charity Shop. I then found work experience at a different charity shop and designed and made some of the window displays.

My Last Year

In my last year with Macintyre I worked in the community and not in the centre. I started to increase my hours doing my work experience at the charity shop. I learn’t how to use the till and over time I served customers independently. At the shop I also started designing and creating more window displays.

In my final year I found another work experience placement which was working on a little local farm which is a therapeutic learning centre that helps young people who are home educated, children finding it hard at school, children who find it hard in mainstream school or have mental health difficulties such as anxiety.

Through my time with Macintyre I have really grown in confidence and I now have skills to help me be more independent in every day life!

If you would like to know more about Macintyre Charity please visit: https://www.macintyrecharity.org